* YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ALL THE LOVE YOU'VE TAKEN *
* SLEEPIN' ON A RAZOR
* THERE'S NOWHERE LEFT TO FALL *
* YOUR BODY'S ACHIN', EVERY BONE IS BREAKIN' *
* NOTHING SEEMS TO SHAKE IT, IT JUST KEEPS HOLDIN' ON *
* AH AH AH AH-AH
* AH AH AH AH AH AH-AH *
* AH AH AH-AH AH AH AH-AH *
* AH AH AH-AH AH AH AH AH-AH *
* YOUR SOUL IS ABLE, DEATH IS ALL YOU CRADLE *
* SLEEPIN' ON THE NAILS, THERE'S NOWHERE LEFT TO FALL *
* YOU HAVE ADMIRED, EVERY MAN DESIRES *
* EVERYONE IS KING...
( music stops )
OH!
LET GO OF ME.
CAN'T DO THAT, SONNY BOY.
I AM NOT YOUR BOY,
AND YOU KINDLY WILL LET GO, GODDAMN IT!
WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, FOR CHRIST SAKE!
THIS IS REAL ARMANI. MY FATHER WILL SUE YOUR ASS!
I DON'T CARE IF MARY, MOTHER OF GOD, WEAVED IT HERSELF.
YOU ARE NOT KILLING YOURSELF ON MY BEAT.
( siren approaching )
I WAS SIMPLY TAKING A LEISURELY STROLL
TO VISIT MY POETRY PROFESSOR
IN HOBOKEN, YOUR HONOR,
WHEN THIS VERY LARGE POLICEMAN ACCOSTS ME
FROM NOWHERE,
APPLIES A NO DOUBT STEROIDS-INDUCED THRASHING,
AND CONJURES WHAT'S PROBABLY A $150 TAILORING REPAIR JOB
ON MY BILL BLASS.
HE CLAIMED IT WAS ARMANI.
- SCREW THE COUTURE. - CO-WHO?
BLESS YOU, OFFICER FRANKLIN.
AND OVERALL, I MIGHT SAY, JUDGE...
KAMEL. - NO. KARMEL.
YES, KARAMEL.
THIS VERY LARGE GENTLEMAN,
AND SUPPOSED PROTECTOR OF THE COURT,
PROVED HIMSELF TO BE EXTREMELY INHOSPITABLE.
NEVERTHELESS, IN THE SPIRIT OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON,
I'M WILLING TO DROP ALL CHARGES AGAINST HIM IF YOU'LL JUST KINDLY--
WHAT, REMOVE THE HANDCUFFS?
AND MAY 16th IS NOT TYPICALLY THOUGHT OF
AS A WINTER HOLIDAY.
( voice echoing ) YOU'RE GETTING TO BE A REGULAR HERE, DANIEL TOPLER.
IT'S UNUSUAL TO SEE EVEN YOUNG DRUG ADDICTS LIKE YOU HERE
THREE TIMES A MONTH.
YELLOW WALLS DO NOTHING FOR THE DECOR.
- WHY ARE THE LIGHTS SO DIM? - TOPLER!
ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?
SEND HIM BACK TO THE REHAB CLINIC AGAIN.
( normal voice ) AND GET SOMEONE TO WIPE UP THAT DROOL, OFFICER FRANKLIN.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN, I PRESUME.
I'M DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.
AND I'M FELIX THE CAT. MEOW.
LET ME OUTTA HERE,
OR I WILL KICK YOUR 2,000-YEAR-OLD ASS
FROM HERE TO KINGDOM COME.
FUCK!!
( scornful laughter )
OH, I MUST SAY,
YOU DON'T LOOK SO HOT YOURSELF, DR. BERNAISE.
- BERNSTEIN. - YES, BERN-STINE.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND WE'LL CHAT A WHILE. I COULD USE THE COMPANY.
BUT FIRST, WOULD YOU MIND SCRATCHING MY NOSE?
SOME FLY PROBABLY SENT BY A RIGHT-WING NEO-NAZI
LUFTWAFFE HAS BEEN DIVE-BOMBING ME.
A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.
AH!
YOU ARE A HEALER.
AS A CSN&Y SONG GOES,
"I'M NOT FEELING UP TO PAR."
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD CUT MY HAIR,
BECAUSE I ALMOST DID BEFORE I JUMPED OVER MARTHA.
THE BRIDGE, THAT IS.
LINDA.
OH. OH, NO.
OH, YES.
OOH. OOH-OOH.
( grunts ) HELP.
SAVE ME, PLEASE.
( knocking )
GOOD MORNING!
GOOD MORNING, DANIEL!
HURRY UP FOR BREAKFAST.
THE VOLLEYBALL TOURNAMENT STARTS SOON.
I'LL HAVE WHIPPED CREAM LICKED OFF YOUR BREASTS.
I'M NOT ON THE MENU, DANIEL.
WHY SCREW MY OLD MAN
WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A YOUNG STUD LIKE ME, ELAINE?
( door opens )
WELL, I SEE YOU'RE VERY MUCH AT HOME HERE, DANIEL.
DR. BERNSTEIN.
WHAT DAY IS THIS?
SATURDAY, 9:00 A.M.
YOU HAD QUITE A NAP.
I SEE YOUR FATHER'S MILLIONS HAVE FURNISHED THE ROOM
FROM YOUR MANHATTAN LOFT.
HM. HAVE YOU READ THIS?
ANYONE WHO'S EVER TAKEN PSYCHOLOGY 101
HAS READ CARL ROGERS' SEMINAL WORK ON BECOMING A PERSON.
ALAS, THERE'S NO TIME FOR NICETIES.
GOTTA BE GOING. TA-TA FOR NOW,
BUT DUTY CALLS.
WHEN ONE'S PRESIDENT BEGS ONE TO SERVE ONE'S COUNTRY,
CAN ONE REFUSE?
IT'S HUSH-HUSH.
TOP SECRET AND ON THE Q.T.
SOMETHING ABOUT A SCROFULOUS TORSO
LEVITATING FROM KIM SONG'S TOMB.
YOU JUST CAN'T TRUST THOSE BASTARD KOREAN DICTATORS TO STAY DEAD.
WHERE ARE THE STANDARDS, ANYHOW?
BY THE WAY, DID MY DAD HAVE MY CAR BROUGHT AROUND YET?
SHALL I CALL LINDA AGAIN?
NO. THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
CAN WE TALK?
OKAY, DOC. SIT DOWN. TAKE A LOAD OFF.
SURE, LET'S BE PALS,
BUT IT DEPENDS.
IT DEPENDS, HUH? ON WHAT?
ON JUST WHAT KIND OF HEADSHRINKER YOU ARE.
MY OWN PREFERENCE LEANS HEAVILY TOWARDS THE DRUGGIES.
PSYCHO-PHARMACOLOGISTS, YOU MEAN.
I LOVE THE GREEN PILLS, BUT YELLOW WORKS FOR ME
IF IT WORKS FOR YOU.
THE YELLOWS WORK FOR YOU, HUH?
OH, I FEEL A ROGERIAN COMING ON.
CARL ROGERS HELPED MANY, MANY PEOPLE.
NOW, IF YOU'RE NOT PUSHING DRUGS,
I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT BE
MY SECOND-FAVORITE KIND OF VOODOO DOCTOR.
YOU OKAY?
UH, YEAH.
DOC?
WHOA!
- THANK YOU. - YEAH.
I WANNA TELL YOU ABOUT A DISCUSSION I LEAD.
OH, MAN, OH, MAN.
HERE WE GO WITH THE GROUP THERAPY.
IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO ONE MORE SAD SACK
TELL ME THE PITIFUL STORY OF HIS LIFE,
I WILL LOSE MY MIND.
FORGET ABOUT IT, DOC.
NO, NO, NO. IT'S NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.
THIS IS A BUNCH OF MEN JUST GETTING TOGETHER TO KIBBUTZ.
WHAT'S THE CATCH?
A SCHMOOZE WITH YOUR STIFFS, AND THEN I'M OUTTA HERE?
NOT PRECISELY.
JUST GET TOGETHER A FEW TIMES.
A FEW TIMES?
- YES, MORE OR LESS. - MORE OR LESS?!
SIT DOWN!
NOW, LISTEN TO ME, YOUNG MAN. LISTEN UP CLOSELY.
IF YOU EVER WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU SHOULD TAKE MY OFFER. YOU UNDERSTAND?
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD.
NOW I'D LIKE YOU TO JOIN IN A DISCUSSION
WITH MY SENIOR MEN'S GROUP.
YOU ARE KIDDING, AREN'T YOU?
WE MEET AT TEMPLE B'NAI ISRAEL.
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO COME BACK HERE WHEN YOU'RE NOT AT THE MEETINGS.
A TEMPLE MEN'S GROUP
FOR DYING PEOPLE.
THIS REALLY IS RICH.
A LOT OF US ARE NOT QUITE AS DEAD AS YOU MAY THINK.
WHEN I CALL MY DAD,
HE WILL HAVE ME OUT OF HERE IN A NANO-SECOND.
FUN TIME IS OVER.
THE COURT PUT YOU IN MY CUSTODY.
BESIDES, YOUR FATHER THINKS IT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA.
WELL?
I'M JUST GIVING YOUR PROPOSAL
THE UTMOST CAREFUL CONSIDERATION. NO.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE BACK IN A MONTH TO SEE IF YOU'VE RECONSIDERED.
LINDA, JOE.
PUT YOUR HAND IN THERE.
Daniel: LINDA.
OKAY.
OKAY, THIS IS BLACKMAIL!
I WILL ATTEND YOUR MUMMIFIED DECAFFEINATED KAFFEE KLATSCH.
FINE.
GOOD CHOICE.
SO SHOULD I BRING MY OWN DENTURES,
OR DO YOU PASS ONE SET AROUND FOR EVERYONE?
TOMORROW, 8:00 P.M., YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN CAR.
NURSE LINDA WILL GIVE YOU A PRESCRIPTION TO HELP YOU SLEEP,
AND AN ANTI-ABUSE PILL. DO NOT...
I REPEAT, DO NOT USE ANY DRUGS OR ALCOHOL HERE,
OR YOU WILL REALLY FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DYING.
- ( dialing phone ) - ( line ringing )
- HELLO. - DAD.
I'M BACK HERE AT THE LIVE FREE OR DIE CLINIC.
YES, I KNOW.
- YOU KNOW THAT? - THEY CALLED ME.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO GET A HOLD OF YOU.
THAT'S A CHANGE.
NO, REALLY. I'M HAPPY TO CHAT WITH YOU.
IN FACT, THE FUNNIEST THING JUST HAPPENED.
THIS SHRINK SAID I'VE GOT TO ATTEND
SOME ALTA KOCKER DISCUSSION GROUP.
ISN'T THAT A YUK AND A HALF?
I THINK IT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA, DANIEL.
- DR. BERNSTINE AND I-- - BERNSTEIN.
DR. BERNSTEIN AND I CHEWED IT OVER EARLIER TODAY.
HE'S A HIGHLY REGARDED EXPERT FOR CASES LIKE YOURS.
NOW JUST A SECOND, DAD.
NO, YOU JUST A SECOND, SONNY BOY.
I HAVE PLACED YOUR WELFARE
COMPLETELY IN THE DOCTOR'S HANDS.
OBVIOUSLY, YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE GOTTEN NOWHERE WITH YOU.
WHATEVER DR. BERNSTEIN SAYS, GOES, AND THAT'S THAT.
FATHER!
OH, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME THAT.
DON'T FORGET TO WRITE.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
OH, HONEY.
OH, ALBERT.
( both moaning )
OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.
OH. OH, NO.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T THINK I CAN, DOLL.
OH... AGAIN!
JESUS, ALBERT.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO ON THAT DIET I GAVE YOU,
OR YOU'RE GONNA DROP DEAD BEFORE YOUR DIVORCE IS FINAL,
AND WE CAN FINALLY GET MARRIED.
RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT, HONEY BUNNY.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT DIAMOND BRACELET I GOT YOU?
THE TOPLERS AREN'T CHEAP.
WHAT WAS THAT, ELAINE?
UM, A FIREFLY, I THINK.
- FIREFLY? - FORGET ABOUT IT.
( defecates wetly )
OH, LOOK AT THAT. HOW AM I GONNA GO HOME?
JUST RUN IN AND TELL HER THAT YOU GOTTA GO REAL BAD.
YOU. YOU'RE LIKE WEBSTER'S.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT WORDS FOR EVERYTHING.
IF ONLY I HAD A WIFE LIKE YOU.
YOU WILL HAVE A WIFE LIKE ME, AL,
VERY SOON.
LOOK AT MY HUSBAND WITH THIS HARLOT ELAINE.
OKAY.
- CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON HERE. - MISS DAVIDSON, HARRIET TOPLER.
THIS TIME, I HAVE PICTURES OF MY HUSBAND CHEATING ON ME.
DON'T WORRY, MRS. TOPLER.
AS YOUR ATTORNEY, WE'LL TAKE HIM FOR ALL HE'S GOT,
OR MY NAME ISN'T CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.
Man: PIROT, LET'S GET A MOVE ON.
THE COSTUME BALL MUST BE PERFECT.
DID YOU ARRANGE FOR THE NOTRE DAME TWINS TO BE HERE?
THE CHAMPAGNE, THE ORGANIC HORS D'OEUVRES?
JAZZ BAND?
DON'T FORGET TO PUT COKE AND PERFUME BOTTLES
IN EACH BEDROOM.
YES, BOSS.
DANDY MAN. HEY, WHAT TIME YOU GONNA BE HERE FOR THE BASH?
DON'T KNOW, BRUCIE. MAYBE I SHOULD PASS ON THIS PARTY
AND FINALLY DRY OUT.
OH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA WANNA MISS THIS ONE, I PROMISE YOU.
I'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
JUST WALK RIGHT ON UP THE BEACH.
IT'S NOT EVEN A MILE.
BESIDES, THERE'S YOUR ADORING PUBLIC TO CONSIDER.
YOU WIN, BRUCIE.
NO WONDER YOU BAG ALL THOSE MERGERS
AT MORGAN STANFIELD.
OKAY, CATCH YA LATER.
( knocking on door )
TAKE JUST ONE OF EACH AT BEDTIME, NOT BEFORE.
YOU HAVE TO SUBMIT TO DAILY BLOOD AND URINE TESTS.
NO DRIVING, EXCEPT FOR THE MEN'S GROUP,
AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO NOT TAKE ANY DRUGS OR ALCOHOL.
Man: ARE YOU PLAYING? WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?
( men continue chattering )
JESUS.
* I GOT TO KEEP MY IMAGE WHILE SUSPENDED FROM MY THRONE *
* THAT LOOKS OUT UPON MY KINGDOM FULL OF PEOPLE ALL UNKNOWN *
* WHO IMAGINE I'M NOT HUMAN AND MY HEART IS MADE OF STONE *
* I NEVER HAD NO PROBLEMS
* AND MY TOILET'S TRIMMED WITH CHROME *
* I'M A MAN, YES, I AM *
* AND I CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE YOU SO *
* NO, NO, NO
* I'M A MAN, YES, I AM *
* AND I CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE YOU SO *
* NO, NO, NO YES, I AM *
* NO, NO, NO
* HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY
* HEY, HEY, HEY
* YES, I AM
( men chattering nearby )
TWO PAIR, ACES UP, READ 'EM AND WEEP, SUCKERS!
THE DANDY MAN'S HERE!
RISE, GRASSHOPPERS.
WHERE'S THE CHOW? I'M FAMISHED.
INTRODUCE ME IMMEDIATELY TO THAT DARK-HAIRED MIRAGE,
OR I WILL TURN YOU INTO A MAN FROM THE TOAD YOU ARE.
Bruce: YOU MEAN CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.
OKAY, MY MAN. TAKE THIS FOR GOOD LUCK.
JUST WAIT UNTIL HE DISCOVERS SHE'S A KARATE BLACK BELT.
AND HER FATHER'S EVEN RICHER THAN HIS.
DIDN'T YOU FORGET MY CHANGE AT McDONALD'S THIS AFTERNOON?
AND I ASKED FOR THE ONION RINGS, NOT THE FRIES.
WELL, EXCUSE ME, SIR.
I HOPE I CAN FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
CHAMPAGNE! I'M DAN TOPLER,
AND NO, I'M ON THE WAGON JUST NOW.
- UH... - CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.
MY FRIENDS CALL ME CHARLIE.
SO YOU'RE THE DANDY MAN.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN PANTING TO MEET YOU.
LET'S GET ON THE WAGON TOGETHER.
JUST HAVE A SQUOSH.
IT'S PRONOUNCED "SKOSH."
OKAY. SKOSH.
HAVE ONE.
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER, AND SO WILL YOUR WAGON.
ONE MORE.
SHOULD WE TELL HIM THAT CHARLIE'S COME FROM THE DARK SIDE?
HE'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.
( people cheering and cat-calling )
Man: SHE'S A KILLER, DAN!
- JUDGE KARAMEL? - JUDGE WHO?
THAT'S HAUTE COUTURE, YOU IMBECILE.
BLESS YOU, OFFICER FRANKLIN.
Bernstein: I COULD LOCK YOU UP IN A STRAITJACKET FOR THE NEXT YEAR,
OR I COULD TIE YOU UP AND HAVE LINDA SPOON-FEED YOU
MOST OF YOUR MEALS.
AN INTERN WOULD COME IN AND REMOVE YOUR POTTY FOR YOU,
WHEN HE REMEMBERS.
IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?
DON'T YOU KNOW YOU ALMOST DIED RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME,
YOU LITTLE MORON?
I LIKED YOU BETTER AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN
THAN YOUR NEW ROLE AS NURSE RATCHED.
I DON'T CARE HOW ROTTEN YOU FEEL TOMORROW, DANIEL.
YOU MUST ATTEND THE DISCUSSION GROUP.
THIS IS YOUR FINAL CHANCE WITH ME,
OR I'M SHIPPING YOU UP TO PRISON.
GOT IT?
OH, BOY.
THIS FUNERAL'S EVEN MORE SOMBER THAN THEY USUALLY ARE.
DID YOU FIX MY LUNCH, BY THE WAY?
THE CURRIED EGG SALAD SANDWICH WITH THE PICKLE ON THE TOP,
THE WAY I LIKE IT.
- YES, REVEREND PILATUS. - THAT'S GOOD.
OH, I SHOULD'VE BEGGED OFF THIS GIG.
I NEVER WOULD'VE EVEN ACCEPTED THIS SERVICE,
EXCEPT THAT HIS DAUGHTER HAS MADE A TREMENDOUS DONATION.
HER NAME IS CHARLOTTE,
AND SHE IS A PIECE OF WORK.
( trills tongue )
WHAT'S CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON'S PERSONAL CASH FLOW?
WITH DADDY DEAD, AND COMBINED WITH HER TRUST FUNDS,
I'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE 225 MILLION A YEAR.
WHOO! AND DEBT?
MAYBE 500.
MILLION.
NO. $500. SHE PAYS IN CASH.
YOU MEAN THIS DAME INHERITED A COMPANY WORTH TWO BILLION SMACKERS,
AND SHE OWES 500 BUCKS?
YES, AND THAT'S JUST AN AVERAGE OF HER MONTHLY CREDIT CARD BILL.
IT COULD BE LESS.
WHAT ABOUT CHARLOTTE HERSELF?
PERSONAL HABITS, FRIENDS?
SHE'S A BIG-TIME PARTY GIRL AND ATHLETE.
A KARATE BLACK BELT,
AND SHE REGULARLY WINS COMPETITIONS.
A DIVORCE ATTORNEY, ONLY FOR WOMEN,
AND PRETTY GOOD AT IT, JUDGING BY ALL HER CLIENTS' AWARDS.
SHE WINS EVERY TIME IN COURT,
AND LIKES TO POUND MEN TO THE GROUND.
GREAT. A MONSTROUSLY RICH, KUNG FU, TIGHTWAD, LITIGATING BALL BUSTER
STANDS IN THE WAY OF THIS MERGER.
YOU MUST BE ZOE, MY DEAR.
NO ONE'S EVER CALLED ME THAT BUT MY FATHER.
YES, YOUR FATHER GANYMEDE AND I WERE GREAT FRIENDS.
AND YOU ARE?
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
I'M BARRY BLACKMON, PROFESSOR OF GREEK AND ROMAN HISTORY.
AND I MUST SAY, YOUR FATHER WOULD BE SO HAPPY
TO KNOW YOU WERE DRESSED THE WAY YOU ARE,
IN THE GREEK TRADITION OF WHITE,
CELEBRATING THE IMMORTALITY OF THE SPIRIT,
AS OPPOSED TO BLACK, MOURNING A PASSED SOUL.
YOUR FATHER OFTEN TOLD ME OVER A GLASS OF WINE
JUST HOW BEAUTIFUL HIS DAUGHTER WAS.
I HAD NO IDEA HOW UNDERSTATED HIS WORDS WERE.
DADDY SAID HE LOVED LOOKING THROUGH HIS TELESCOPE
AT THE CONSTELLATION TAURUS,
BECAUSE IT REMINDED HIM OF ME...
BULL-HEADED BUT SENSITIVE.
SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
ANOTHER TIME, MISS DAVIDSON.
ANOTHER TIME.
AS YOU WERE SAYING, MY DEAR.
( sighs )
DADDY NEVER SHOWED ME HOW TO USE HIS TELESCOPE.
WHAT A SHAME. PERHAPS I COULD SHOW YOU.
YOUR FATHER BOUGHT THE ONE THAT I RECOMMENDED.
OH, HE DID.
PERHAPS WE COULD GET TOGETHER AND DISCUSS
HOW I COULD CONTINUE HIS LOVE OF ANTIQUITY.
OF COURSE, ZOE.
HOW SWEET OF YOU TO CONSIDER IT.
AND WHO IS THIS CHARMING FRIEND OF YOURS?
- YOU LOOK FAMILIAR. DO I KNOW YOU? - I'M LAURA, PROFESSOR.
WHEN SHALL WE MEET AGAIN?
IN THUNDER, LIGHTNING, OR IN RAIN?
WHY DON'T I PICK YOU UP AT YOUR OFFICE
WEDNESDAY AT NOON, AND WE'LL HAVE LUNCH.
SPLENDID.
OKAY, IF I HAVE TO GIVE HER HALF THE COMPANY,
I WILL.
SHE'S BEEN MY WIFE FOR 30 YEARS, AFTER ALL.
YOU ALREADY GAVE HER HALF FIVE YEARS AGO
FOR ESTATE-PLANNING PURPOSES. HER ATTORNEY WANTS MORE.
WHAT? THE GOLD-DIGGER.
WE'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED FOR 30 YEARS.
SIT.
NINETY PERCENT.
- NINETY PERCENT?! - ( wheezing cough )
( wheezing continues )
THAT'S PRACTICALLY HIS ENTIRE...
( gasping )
PRACTICALLY HIS ENTIRE NET WORTH, MS. DAVIDSON.
YOU ARE LUCKY WE'RE LEAVING HIM WITH HIS JOCKEY SHORTS.
HONEY BUNCH, YOU KNOW IT'S ONLY YOU I EVER REALLY LOVED.
OH, I WISH I COULD BELIEVE YOU.
IS THAT WHAT YOU SAY TO HER, TOO?
IF YOU HADN'T SPENT SO MUCH TIME AT THE ART CENTER, I NEVER--
AND TELL YOUR CLIENT NEVER TO TALK TO MINE AGAIN
IF HE WANTS TO KEEP HIS... UNDERWEAR.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DON'T LOOK AT THAT.
DANIEL, DANIEL, DANIEL.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS AGAIN TO YOUR MOTHER AND ME?
WHY DOES EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO ME
HAVE TO DO WITH YOU AND MOM?
YOU GOT A BEAUTIFUL VIEW HERE.
YOU KNOW THAT, DANIEL? HAVE YOU LOOKED OUTSIDE TODAY?
IT'S GORGEOUS.
YOU'RE LICKING YOUR CHOPS OVER ELAINE, NO DOUBT.
IS SHE ON THE BEACH BOUNCING HER TITS IN VOLLEYBALL?
YOU'RE VERY RUDE, DANIEL.
HOW CAN YOU THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY LIKE THIS?
YOU WHO HAD EVERY ADVANTAGE IN LIFE, EVERY POSSIBILITY.
EVERY POSSIBILITY? IS IT TOO LATE TO BE A PENGUIN?
YOUR LIFE IS NOT A SITCOM, BOYCHICK.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO BE SO THANKLESS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?
DANIEL IS MY SON, TOO.
ANYWAY, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
ARE THE TWO OF YOU FINALLY GETTING A DIVORCE?
- YES. - NO.
I LOVE YOUR MOTHER.
YOU GOT A FUNNY WAY TO SHOW IT.
( stammers )
COUPLES HAVE PROBLEMS, BUT THEY WORK THEM OUT.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU COME TO UNIVERSAL LIKE YOUR SISTER?
WE'LL MAKE YOU A VICE-PRESIDENT OR SOMETHING.
AND THE PAY IS NOT SO BAD, EITHER.
I MEAN, 100 GRAND A YEAR WILL KEEP THE WOLF AWAY,
AS LONG AS MOMMY AND DADDY PROVIDE A HOLIDAY BONUS
AND A NEW CAR EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND WASTE MY LIFE BEING A JUNK DEALER LIKE YOU?
YOU WATCH YOUR TONGUE.
YOUR FATHER'S COMPANY, TOO UNDIGNIFIED FOR AN IVY LEAGUE COLLEGE BOY,
KEEPS US IN LUXURY, PAL, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
YOU KNOW, HE DIDN'T HAVE A FATHER WHO GAVE HIM EVERYTHING UNDER GOD'S CREATION.
WHY SEND ME TO YALE IF YOU JUST WANT ME TO TAKE OVER THE BUSINESS?
NO, WE WANT YOU TO GROW UP.
BUT AS YOU SAY, YOU JUST DON'T GET IT.
WHAT KIND OF SON DID WE RAISE, ANYWAY?
( sighs heavily )
GLAD YOU CAME, MOM AND DAD.
REALLY.
( men talking quietly )
OH, DAN, BRING YOUR CUP OVER HERE,
AND COME AND MEET THE MEN, ALL RIGHT?
GOT A SPECIAL GUEST THIS EVENING.
DANIEL TOPLER.
I WAS HOPING ALL OF YOU WOULD BE AGREEABLE
TO HAVING HIM ATTEND SOME MORE SESSIONS.
CERTAINLY. WHY NOT.
JACK, WHY DOES A YOUNG MAN LIKE HIM WANT TO COMMUNE
WITH A BUNCH OF OLD FOGIES?
MORTY MAVIS. PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
MORTY IS A BUSINESS CONSULTANT.
WELL, UH, FOR ME,
I GUESS YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW--
DANIEL, LET ME DO THE INTRODUCTION, ALL RIGHT?
DANIEL'S A MEDICAL STUDENT IN HIS FIRST YEAR AT STONY BROOK,
AND I UNDERSTAND HE'S CONSIDERING GERONTOLOGY
AS, WELL, AS A SPECIALTY.
( men chuckling )
I FIGURED IF HE MET YOU OLD GUYS,
I COULD POSSIBLY DISCOURAGE HIM FROM THAT.
( laughter )
SO YOU'RE GONNA BE A DOCTOR, IS THAT IT?
WELL--
I'VE BEEN A TRADER FOR ALMOST 40 YEARS ON WALL STREET,
AND VERY SUCCESSFULLY, TOO, I MIGHT ADD.
I LEFT MY FIRM LAST MONTH. OH, I'M ROB VITRIOFF.
THEY ASKED ME TO STAY, OF COURSE,
- BUT FOR WHAT, I ASK YOU? - I THINK--
I CAN TRADE JUST AS WELL AT HOME NOW WITH THE INTERNET.
MY TIME IS MY OWN. DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M GETTIN' AT?
YES. YOU ONLY BORE YOURSELF NOW.
GLENN HERE.
TRACY AUSPITZ. NICE TO MEET YOU.
AND TRACY WAS A FORMER DEPUTY ADMINISTRATOR FOR THE E.P.A.
HELPED DRAFT THE U.S. CLEAN WATER ACT BACK IN THE EARLY '70s.
- NO KIDDING. - THANK GOD WE GOT
SOME GOOD GUYS IN GOVERNMENT.
IT SURE AIN'T THE MAJORITY IN CONGRESS.
I SEE SAM BOTKIN IS BEING HIS USUAL CHEERY SELF.
HIS COMPUTER PROGRAM DESIGNED THE VERRAZANO BRIDGE.
HARRY ROSENTHAL.
HARRY IS A FORMER MUSICAL DIRECTOR OF THE METROPOLITAN OPERA.
YEAH?
I'M DAVID, A P.R. MAN WITH A COUPLE OF CLIENTS LEFT.
WELCOME, DANIEL. I'M BARRY.
NO LONGER THE YOUNGSTER OF THIS GROUP.
ONLY 60. A BABY! BUT DESPITE HIS YOUTH,
HE'S A FAMOUS CLASSICAL SCHOLAR.
NOW THAT THAT'S TAKEN CARE OF,
WHAT SHOULD WE BEGIN WITH FIRST, HUH?
LET'S HUDDLE ON OUR MAIN NEMESIS, OUR CHILDREN.
DON'T GET ME STARTED TALKING ABOUT MY CHILD CHUCKY.
HE'S SO INFANTILE.
NOW I CAN'T SPEAK TO HIM,
OR EVEN MY GRANDDAUGHTER CAROL ANYMORE.
WE USED TO GET TOGETHER FOR GRANDDAD-GRANDDAUGHTER TIMES.
SHE WON'T SAY TWO WORDS TO ME NOW.
HE'S GETTING DIVORCED, AND HE'S STILL LIVING AT HOME.
IT'S TERRIBLE FOR CAROL. SHE'S CAUGHT BETWEEN HER PARENTS.
- YOU CAN'T HELP. - NO.
I CAN'T HELP.
HE'S MY SON, CAROL IS MY GRANDDAUGHTER,
AND I CAN'T HELP. I CAN ONLY WATCH.
AT LEAST WE'RE LUCKY WE ALL HAVE CHILDREN WE CAN RELY ON.
I DON'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN I CAN RELY ON.
MORTY, YOU GOT TWO GROWN KIDS.
IF YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, YOU CALL THEM.
YOU, JACK. YOU I'LL CALL
IF I'M SICK, NOT MY CHILDREN.
I HARDLY TALK TO THEM.
YOU ALL REMEMBER WHEN I GOT BAR MITZVAHED AGAIN?
YOU ALL WERE THERE.
- YEAH. - YES.
MY KIDS COULDN'T BELIEVE 100 PEOPLE SHOWED UP.
THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE THE ONLY ONES
WHO WOULD BE THERE.
THERE'S YOUR SISTER YOU COULD CALL IF YOU WERE ILL.
HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HER IN OVER A YEAR. AND FORGET ABOUT MY EX.
NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS.
( men chattering and laughing )
IT'S NOT EASY NOT BEING THE MAIN GUY ANYMORE.
WE ALL KNOW THAT BY NOW.
( men continue talking )
WELL, GENTLEMEN, THAT DOES IT FOR TONIGHT.
WRITING THE NEXT GREAT NOVEL?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM.
ARE YOU WAITING FOR YOUR FATHER, TOO?
YEP. SURE AM. UM...
LAURA.
LAURA. ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES.
THE GORGEOUS STAR WAS VERY NEARLY AS CAPTIVATING AS YOU.
UH, RIGHT.
I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET BEFORE. WHO'S YOUR DAD?
IT'S...
HIM.
GEE, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET DR. BERNSTEIN'S SON.
NOW YOU HAVE. LUCKY YOU AND LUCKIER ME.
WELL, HELLO, SWEETHEART.
DANIEL, I SEE YOU'VE MET MY DAUGHTER LAURA.
I'VE HAD THAT PLEASURE. THANK YOU, DR. BERNSTEIN.
LISTEN, SWEETIE, I THINK WE SHOULD GET HOME RIGHT AWAY.
AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, DANIEL.
T.T.F.N., DANIEL.
CAN'T CATCH A BREAK.
Driver: THERE HE IS, MISS DAVIDSON.
AHA. HOW ARE YOU, THOMAS?
AND HOW ARE YOUR GRANDCHILDREN?
THEY'RE JUST DANDY, PROFESSOR.
YOU'RE LOOKIN' MIGHTY FINE. MAKIN' TIME WITH THE CO-EDS?
YOU MAKE ME BLUSH, SIR.
- YOU KNOW THOMAS? - USUAL PLACE?
MORE SECRETS.
EVERYONE KNOWS THIS MAN BUT ME.
AND WHERE ARE WE GOING?
I THOUGHT I WAS TAKING YOU FOR LUNCH.
YOU DATE YOUR STUDENTS, PROFESSOR BLACKMON?
THOMAS TEASES ME BECAUSE HE KNOWS I'M A CONFIRMED BACHELOR.
HE KNOWS THAT MEN MY AGE AREN'T ONLY UNATTRACTIVE TO YOUNGER WOMEN,
WE'RE INVISIBLE. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, THOMAS?
YES, PLEASE, THE USUAL PLACE.
I THOUGHT, ZOE, WE WOULD DINE WHERE YOUR FATHER AND I USED TO SUP.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE FINEST OF NEW YORK'S HAUTE CUISINE.
- YASSOU. - YASSOU FILE MOU.
HOW'S BUSINESS?
YOU BRING ME ALWAYS GOOD LUCK, PROFESSOR.
( speaks Greek )
TWO OF THE USUAL, PLEASE.
THERE, ZOE.
SEE THE GORGEOUS GOLDEN PYRAMIDAL ROOF,
AND THE SPLENDID SPANDRELS?
IT'S THE 40-STORY NEW YORK LIFE INSURANCE BUILDING.
DESIGNED BY CASS GILBERT IN 1926.
THE INDIANA LIMESTONE, THE GOTHIC STYLE.
2,180 WINDOWS.
AND AFTER TODAY, MY FAVORITE ARCHITECTURE IN THE CITY.
AND WHY NOW YOUR FAVORITE?
BECAUSE IT'S THE LIFE BUILDING,
AND ZOE MEANS LIFE IN GREEK.
THIS WAS DELICIOUS, PROFESSOR.
AH! WHAT TYPE OF LAW DO YOU PRACTICE, ZOE?
A DIVORCE ATTORNEY.
AS YOUR FATHER'S DAUGHTER, I'M SURE YOU DO YOUR BEST
TO RECONCILE THE PARTIES AND FIND HARMONY BETWEEN THE HUSBAND AND WIFE.
I KNOW I'M NAIVE, BUT I'M NOT A MODERN MAN.
I AM TERRIBLY SORRY, PROFESSOR,
BUT I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.
CAN THOMAS TAKE YOU ANYWHERE?
NO, NO, NO. NOT AT ALL, DEAR.
I WAS ACTUALLY PLANNING ON STROLLING
UP TO THE NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY TO STUDY
A RARE BOOK THEY HAVE ON NORSE MYTHOLOGY.
BUT I DO LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU AGAIN,
WHENEVER YOU THINK YOU CAN TOLERATE THE COMPANY OF AN OLDER MAN.
SIXTY IS YOUNG, PROFESSOR.
THE INTERNET.
I FORGET WE'RE ALL SO PUBLIC NOWADAYS.
AND I AM YOUNG. THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.
I SUPPOSE I JUST ACT THIS WAY SO PEOPLE YOUR AGE
DON'T THINK ME FOOLISH.
WELL, ADIEU, SWEET GIRL.
AND ZOE,
PLEASE CALL ME BARRY.
I DON'T CARE WHO TALKS FIRST.
I JUST WANNA HELP YOU.
OKAY. HELP ME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER'S TELEPHONE NUMBER.
TELL ME YOUR IMPRESSIONS OF LAST NIGHT.
ROB IS HAVING DIFFICULTIES
DEALING WITH HIS LOSS OF INFLUENCE AND CONTROL
OVER HIS SON'S LIFE.
YOU BRINGING HIM TO SAY SO ALOUD
WAS VERY THERAPEUTIC.
GOOD WORK, DOCTOR.
HE NEEDS TO LET HIS GRANDDAUGHTER KNOW
IT'S OKAY IF THEY JUST SIT TOGETHER QUIETLY,
OR WATCH A MOVIE WITHOUT SPEAKING.
SHE'LL COME AROUND WHEN SHE'S READY.
TELL THE WHOLE FAMILY TO TAKE TWO ASPIRIN
AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING.
AMUSED.
STILL, YOU COULD BE A TOP-NOTCH PSYCHIATRIST,
BUT INTELLECT IS NOT ENOUGH.
WHO SAID I WANNA BE A SHRINK?
OR ANY KIND OF M.D.?
I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU WERE PRE-MED AT YALE,
AND YOU GOT INTO EVERY MEDICAL SCHOOL YOU APPLIED TO.
SO... WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
WHAT HAPPENED?
DIDN'T WANNA BE ONE OF THOSE IDIOTS
GOING TO TRADE SCHOOL TO FIX MENTAL FAUCETS.
I'D RATHER BE A REAL PLUMBER.
SPEAKING OF PLUMBERS, DID YOU EVER HEAR--
PLEASE STOP. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU,
AND STOP DEFENDING YOURSELF. I'M NOT ATTACKING YOU.
YOU USE LANGUAGE AS A WEAPON AND A SHIELD.
THE ONLY WAR IS INSIDE OF YOU, BUT WORDS CAN'T HELP.
I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THERAPY
IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE MONTHS, YEARS, MAYBE FOREVER?
LAYING IT ALL ON THE TABLE SO SOON
ISN'T IN THE PSYCHIATRIC PLAYBOOK, IS IT?
THIS IS NO GAME, DANIEL.
I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOUR LIFE.
NEXT TIME YOU JUMP OFF A BRIDGE OR MIX DRUGS WITH ALCOHOL,
YOU COULD PREVENT A BRILLIANT CAREER, WITH A WIFE AND CHILDREN.
DEATH IS FOREVER.
IT CAN WAIT ITS TURN.
NOW TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DEPRESSION.
WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF MIND READER?
FIRST I'M A LOST LAMB HEADSHRINKER.
NOW I'M A DEPRESSED NUT.
WHAT HAVE I GOT TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT ANYWAY?
I'VE GOT A TRUST FUND.
FRIENDS, A BEAUTIFUL HOME AWAY FROM HOME
HERE IN ZOMBIEVILLE.
THIS... IS THE LIFE.
WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS IT, HMM?
TRY STICKING TO YOUR REGIMEN, IF YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
THEN MAYBE YOU CAN PULL YOUR LIFE TOGETHER AGAIN.
YEAH.
SURE.
WHY DO YOU ATTEMPT SUICIDE?
WHY NOT?
I WAS TOP OF MY CLASS AT PREP SCHOOL,
AND VALEDICTORIAN AT YALE, DESPITE MY HABIT.
THEN I NEEDED MORE OF THE STUFF AND MORE OFTEN.
FIRST FEW WEEKS OF MED SCHOOL,
I WAS SO ZONKED,
I COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED.
SO I DROPPED OUT.
WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW, DOC?
SPEND MY LIFE WHORING HALF THE TIME,
AND ASLEEP THE OTHER HALF,
WHILE MY BUDDIES HAVE REAL LIVES?
I SCREWED UP... ROYALLY.
BEYOND HELP.
YOU HAPPY NOW, DOC?
NO, NO. I'M NOT HAPPY.
AND YOU'RE NOT BEYOND REDEMPTION.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, DANIEL.
THAT'S IT?
CARL ROGERS SAID,
WHEN I CAN ACCEPT MYSELF AS I AM,
I CAN CHANGE.
I KNEW IT.
YOU ARE A CARL ROGERS DISCIPLE.
HE WAS MY MENTOR.
WE PUBLISHED A COUPLE OF PEER REVIEW ARTICLES TOGETHER.
WE WERE CLOSE FRIENDS, AND COLLEAGUES.
YOU'RE A CLOSE FRIEND AND COLLEAGUE OF CARL ROGERS.
YES.
( phone ringing )
AHOY THERE, MATEY.
PRETTY ROUGH SEA YOU FOUND YOURSELF IN. YOU OKAY?
ARGH, COULDN'T BE BETTER, ME HEARTY.
'TWAS THE GROG THAT DID ME IN, YOU SCURVY DOG.
I THINK IT WAS THE WENCH THAT KEELHAULED YOU, DANDY MAN.
WE MISSED YOU AT MY QUOTIDIAN BASH LAST NIGHT, OLD BEAN.
A CERTAIN TEMPTRESS WANTS ANOTHER SHOT AT YOU.
YOU THINK CHARLIE WOULD EVEN TALK TO ME AGAIN?
TALK ISN'T WHAT'S ON HER MIND.
YEAH? WILL SHE BE THERE SATURDAY NIGHT?
WITH BELLS ON HER CLOVEN TOES.
I DON'T KNOW.
I PROBABLY SHOULD SIT THIS ONE OUT, BRUCIE.
HAVING YOUR STOMACH PUMPED ISN'T THE FUN
THAT IT'S MADE OUT TO BE.
- HI. - NOT A PROBLEM, DANDY.
YOU SHOULD SIT THIS ONE OUT.
I'LL JUST TELL HER THAT YOU CONSIDER HER AN UNWORTHY SLUT
AND SHE OUGHTA TAKE UP WITH ME AGAIN.
WITH YOU?
YEAH. THERE'S NO READY TOMATO
LIKE THE ONE REBOUNDING FROM PUKE ON HER DRESS.
OKAY, PAL. YOU'VE SWEET-TALKED ME INTO
ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR LOWBROW SOIREES.
YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO KNOW A GIRL
BY THE NAME OF LAURA BERNSTEIN, DO YOU?
HOW WOULD YOU COME TO KNOW THE NAME OF AN HONEST WOMAN?
I'M WAITING, BRUCIE.
YOU WON'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY.
I DON'T MUCH LIKE YOU NOW.
UH, WELL, LAURA AND CHARLIE WERE BUDDIES AT THE SORBONNE.
QUITE THE BUDDING LITERARY LION, I HEAR.
BESIDES HER DARLING FACE,
LAURA'S A CONSUMMATELY DECENT WOMAN.
NOT AT ALL YOUR TYPE, DANDY MAN.
WHAT'S HER NUMBER?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I COULD ASK CHARLOTTE
TO BRING LAURA TO THE PARTY.
DON'T BE AN ASS.
ASK CHARLIE FOR THE NUMBER,
AND DON'T TELL HER IT'S FOR ME.
I'LL CATCH YA LATER.
- BERTRAND! - COMING, SIR.
BERTRAND, CALL HAMPTON CATERING.
TELL THEM TO DOUBLE THE AMOUNT OF PERRIER-JOUET FOR SATURDAY.
AND TELL PIROT TO BRING EXTRA SNOW FOR DAN TOPLER.
OKAY, MORTY, WHY DON'T YOU START THE MEETING?
AS YOU ALL KNOW,
JACK HAS TO HAVE SURGERY FOR THE TUMOR THEY FOUND LAST MONTH,
AND JACK, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT FROM THERE, HUH?
ACTUALLY, THEY FOUND TWO TUMORS
TWISTED AROUND MY KIDNEY.
THEY'RE GONNA SCHEDULE SOME MORE TESTS,
AND MY OPERATION WILL BE SOON AFTER.
BUT WHAT SCARES ME MOST IS THE FACT THAT,
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF BEING A DOCTOR,
I'M JUST A STRANGER, ANOTHER PATIENT IN A HOSPITAL
I NEVER EVEN VISITED.
I ALMOST NEVER LOSE PHONE NUMBERS,
BUT WHAT CAN I SAY? THE PRESSURES OF DAILY LIFE,
THE CORPORATE BOARD MEETINGS,
THE PRESS INTERVIEWS, ET CETERA, ET CETERA.
THEY SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU.
SO PLEASE, GIVE IT TO ME AGAIN.
NOT TOO FAST, 'CAUSE I'M A LITTLE SLOW.
ACTUALLY, YOU'RE AS FAST AS THEY COME.
AND SINCE WE'RE BROTHER AND SISTER,
WHY DON'T YOU ASK OUR FATHER IF YOU'VE FORGOTTEN THE NUMBER.
AH, YES.
MY LITTLE FIB.
WHAT DID DADDY-O SAY ABOUT ME?
DADDY-O DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.
WHAT SHALL WE SAY?
( sighs )
I'M A PATIENT OF DR. BERNSTEIN'S
AT LIVE FREE OR DIE.
I'M HERE AT THE NEW BEGINNINGS MEETINGS
TO WITNESS THE REAL DIFFICULTIES AND PLEASURES
OF LIFE AND AGING.
I'M FORBIDDEN TO DRINK ALCOHOL
OR TAKE DRUGS.
THE MIXTURE, WITH MY MEDICINE, MIGHT KILL ME.
CONCISE CONFESSION AND SELF-ANALYSIS.
THAT'S EXCELLENT, DANIEL.
HONEY, I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA GET UP EARLY TOMORROW, OKAY?
YOUR NUMBER, LAURA?
LOOK, I WANNA TALK TO YOU.
YOU'RE MY PATIENT,
AND YOU'RE STILL IN DANGER, IT SEEMS TO ME.
FURTHERMORE, THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO PURSUE ROMANTIC INTERESTS.
YOU DON'T THINK I'M FIT TO SEE YOUR DAUGHTER, DOC?
IS THAT IT?
THAT'S EXACTLY IT. STAY AWAY FROM HER.
ARE YOU SPEAKING AS MY DOCTOR OR HER FATHER?
BOTH, FRANKLY. ALL RIGHT, HONEY, LET'S GO.
AH, PATIENTS ARE FUNNY, DANIEL TOPLER.
YOU KNOW ME?
THE DOCTORS KNOW ALL THE GUESTS.
YA KNOW, WE HAVE TO CALL THEM THAT.
GOD FORBID, WE CALL THEM PATIENTS.
SIT DOWN.
WHY ARE WE FUNNY, DOC?
PLEASE. CALL ME DOCTOR.
WHY FUNNY?
( chuckles )
FOR EXAMPLE,
I HAVE THIS ONE... GUEST
WHO NEVER ARRIVES ON TIME.
HE'S A CONTROL FREAK.
COMING LATE IS A WAY OF SHOWING ME
THAT HE CALLS THE SHOTS AROUND HERE.
HAVE I JOINED THE MEDICAL STAFF?
SO, AT OUR LAST MEETING,
I SAY TO HIM WHEN HE COMES IN 20 MINUTES LATE,
"YOU'RE A BIT TARDY.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?"
BY THE TEXTBOOK PROFESSIONAL
WITH ALL THAT RIGMAROLE I LEARNED AT HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
WHY, HE SAYS,
"I'M NOT LATE AT ALL."
THAT'S WHAT THAT NUT SAYS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IT?
WELL, SOME OF US HERE ARE IN NEED OF PSYCHIATRIC HELP, I'M TOLD.
( laughs ) THEN WHAT DID YOU SAY?
YOU SEE?
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
HMM.
YOU PATIENTS TAKE LIBERTIES.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I SAID.
"MY TIME HERE IS VALUABLE.
"I CAN'T WASTE IT WAITING FOR HALF-WITS LIKE YOU
TO WANDER IN WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT."
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
PRETTY STRONG STUFF.
NOW, THIS... THIS...
PATIENT... UH, PATIENT SAYS...
( exhales loudly )
THIS PATIENT SAYS, "20 MINUTES IS NOTHIN'."
SO I SAY TO HIM,
"MAYBE 20 MINUTES IS NOTHIN' TO YOU,
LARS, GODDAMN IT--"
NEVER MET A LARS I DIDN'T LIKE.
THE GOOD LORD JEHOVAH
MADE THE EARTH IN SEVEN DAYS!
- SIX, REALLY. - AND 20 MINUTES
IS ENOUGH TIME TO FILL THE WATERS WITH FISHES
AND MAKE THIS BREATH SINNER SCREAM.
OR MY NAME ISN'T DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.
I'M GLAD I FOUND YOU, LARS.
DANIEL, YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.
I HAVE TO HAVE A BRIEF CHAT WITH THIS GUEST.
SORRY I'M A BIT TARDY, JACK.
BUT I THINK I'M ONLY 20 MINUTES LATE.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, LARS. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
TWENTY MINUTES IS NOTHING, NOTHING. COME.
( rueful chuckling )
WOW!
GOODY GOODY. RORSCHACH TEST.
DO I GET TO LOOK AT PICTURES OF VAGINAS?
( clears throat ) TELL ME THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND.
SEX.
FIRST YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE INKBLOT.
IT WON'T CHANGE. IT'LL STILL BE SEX.
LOOK, I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT. I'LL TRY TO BE GOOD.
THANK YOU.
WELL?
WHICH PART OF THE PICTURE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO X-RAY?
DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE?
OBSERVING THE PROJECTION OF MY PERSONALITY ONTO THE PICTURE
IS THE POINT OF THE TEST, IS IT NOT?
YES, THAT'S CORRECT.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU'VE BEEN DOING SOME READING ABOUT THE SUBJECT.
WELL, THEN, ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THE ANAL PART
OF MY PERSONALITY,
WHICH DEALS WITH ONE PORTION OF THE INKBLOT?
PERHAPS I SHOULD FOCUS ON THE TERRIFYING SAVAGE FORMS
ON THE LOWER HALF.
THAT TELLS US IF I'M ALIENATED.
JUST TELL ME WHAT THE WHOLE PICTURE SAYS TO YOU, WOULD YOU PLEASE?
IT'S A PORCUPINE.
OH! AT LAST, SOME COOPERATION.
AND WHAT IS THE PORCUPINE DOING?
IT'S PLAYING WITH ITS VAGINA.
( grunting)
WHAT A LAME EXCUSE TO INVITE HIM OVER SO SOON.
I WOULD BE DELIGHTED, MY DEAR.
I LOOK FORWARD TO DINING WITH YOU THIS EVENING AT 9:00.
SOUNDS SO FORMAL AND OLD-FASHIONED.
WHAT AN ASS I AM.
I JUST WANNA THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL LUNCH YESTERDAY.
GOD! IT COULDN'T HAVE SOUNDED MORE LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH.
HE MUST THINK I'M AN OVERGROWN TEENAGER.
MUST BE SOME SORT OF CHARITY CASE FOR ZOE.
AN ACADEMIC ODDITY.
PERFECT FOR RIDICULE.
I'M SUCH A FOOL TO BE INFATUATED.
( knocking on door )
- COME IN. - ( door opens )
OOH LA LA!
WHO MIGHT THIS BE?
I DON'T KNOW, PROFESSOR. I THINK I MIGHT PREFER YOU
IN YOUR COMFORTABLE TEACHING DUDS
THAN THIS STYLISH TAILORED SUIT.
I'D GLADLY WEAR ANYTHING THAT PLEASES YOU, DEAR ZOE.
THIS BOTTLE IS FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'VE BEEN SAVING THAT WINE FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
IT'S FROM A VINEYARD ON SANTORINI ISLAND
IN THE AEGEAN SEA JUST NORTH OF CRETE.
BUT THE ISLAND'S ANCIENT NAME, CALISTA,
SUITS YOU BETTER.
AND WHY IS THAT, PROFESSOR?
PLEASE, CALL ME BARRY.
BECAUSE CALISTA MEANS "THE FAIREST ONE."
OH, YOU'RE SO SWEET... BARRY.
BUT I PROMISED TO SHOW YOU HOW TO USE
YOUR FATHER'S TELESCOPE.
THIS IS A GALAXY 16-INCH RCX 400
WITH A GLOBAL POSITIONING SYSTEM.
AT NIGHT, YOU CAN SEE THE RINGS OF SATURN.
DURING THE DAY, DAZZLING SUNSPOTS.
IT HAS A PRECISION FRONT CORRECTOR LENS.
YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
THAT'S THE M.I.T. NERD IN ME, ZOE.
PAY NO ATTENTION.
WITH A LENS LIKE THIS,
THERE'S VIRTUALLY NO DISTORTION IN THE OPTICS.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DON'T KNOW, BARRY?
WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, ZOE,
I REALIZE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL.
All: DANDY DAN!
MAYBE I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE.
WE HAVE SURPRISE FOR YOU.
- HEY, DANDY DAN. - WHOA!
- HELLO. - I LIKE YOUR JACKET.
BETTER AND BETTER. THANK YOU.
I THINK I LIKE YOUR JACKET BETTER OFF.
OKAY. SOME PARTY.
I THINK I'D LIKE THIS BETTER OFF, TOO.
( laughter )
I THINK YOU DESERVE A DRINK.
- NO. - COME ON.
Daniel: NO. NO! I DON'T WANT IT.
CHARLOTTE, LAURA. WHAT A SURPRISE.
- COME ON, JUST... - NO.
- JUST A LITTLE SIP. - NO!!
CATCH A RIDE HOME, CHARLIE.
DID I THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE, BY THE WAY?
YOUR DAD SAYS THE LITTLE BITTY RED ONES CAN BE FATAL WITH ALCOHOL.
IT'S GOOD MATERIAL FOR MY NOVEL,
EVEN IF IT COST ME MY FAVORITE BLOUSE.
AND NOW, I FEAR, YOUR BRA AND UNDIES.
THANK YOU, DR. BERNSTEIN, FOR SHOWING ME HOW DANNY IS DOING.
HE'S MAKING MUCH BETTER PROGRESS THAN I'D HOPED FOR, MR. TOPLER.
WOW! I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN, DOCTOR.
IS THAT PART OF THE TREATMENT?
( gasps )
NO, THAT'S NOT PART OF THE TREATMENT.
THAT'S MY DAUGHTER.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE DANIEL AGAIN EVER.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
( line ringing )
- LAURA. - DAN.
- I'M SORRY. - I'M SORRY.
WHAT IF DADDY SENDS YOU TO PRISON?
IT WOULDN'T BE PROFESSIONAL OF HIM
TO TAKE HIS FEELINGS OUT ON ME.
AM I EVER GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN?
TONIGHT, LOVER.
I'M WRITING MY OWN STORY FOR A CHANGE.
BUT TURN YOUR ALARM ON THIS TIME, DUMMY.
( laughs )
WHOO-HOO!
SO HOW DO YOU KNOW THE DANDY MAN?
THE STUD YOU STOLE FROM ME AT BRUCE'S.
DAN TOPLER. THAT'S THE GUY YOU'VE BEEN STALKING?
DANNY'S ALL YOURS, LAURA. I HAVE OTHER FISH TO FRY JUST NOW.
WHAT HAPPENED, CHARLIE?
DAN'S NOT UP TO YOUR LEVEL OF COMPETITION?
- FOR NOW. - FOR NOW?
MMM. I MIGHT NOT BE THROUGH WITH HIM JUST YET.
AND YOU? ARE YOU STILL A CHASTE ALBEIT SMUTTY WRITER
AFTER YOU DRAGGED THE DANDY MAN FROM ME?
- NO. - OOH, START TO SHOVEL. I AM ALL EARS FOR THE DIRT.
IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING.
YOU KNOW DAN AS WELL AS I DO.
EMBARRASSING SOUNDS STRANGE COMING FROM A NICE JEWISH GIRL
WHO STRIPS IN FRONT OF DRUGGIES AND DRAGS A HALF-NAKED MAN
OUT THE DOOR.
WE WENT TO HIS... PLACE.
YES, GO ON. DID HE FUCK YOU?
- CHARLIE, HOW CAN YOU TALK LIKE THAT? - OH, COME ON!
YOU USE MY EVERY WORD IN YOUR NOVELS.
FROM NOW ON, I AM WRITING STORIES WITH MATERIAL
FROM MY OWN LIFE, NOT YOURS ANYMORE.
BRUCE CALLED AND INVITED ME TO KEEP COMING TO AS MANY PARTIES AS I LIKE.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, LAURA.
THAT CROWD'S INTO HARD DRUGS, NOT JUST DRINKING.
- YOU PARTY WITH 'EM. - BUT I CAN PROTECT MYSELF.
BRUCE INVITES LOWLIFES FOR ATMOSPHERE.
IT AMUSES HIM TO HAVE GUYS LIKE PIROT AROUND,
BUT THEY CAN BE DANGEROUS.
DAN'S JUST A HARMLESS PREPPY BY COMPARISON.
AND WHAT MAKES YOU SUCH AN EXPERT ON DANNY?
I'M NOT AN EXPERT ON HIM, LAURA.
YOU'RE JEALOUS,
BECAUSE HE WANTS ME AND NOT YOU.
NOW HE'S THE INVINCIBLE ONE.
NO MAN IS INVINCIBLE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE CHARLOTTE'S LOVER, DAN.
LAURA.
MAYBE I SHOULD SEE IF SHE'S OKAY.
THAT PSYCHO'S BEEN CHASING HER.
YOU'RE A PATIENT HERE, REMEMBER, DAN?
THIS ISN'T THE TEMPLE MEETINGS WHERE MY FATHER
LETS YOU PRETEND TO BE A MEDICAL STUDENT.
THEY HAVE PSYCHIATRISTS, REAL PSYCHIATRISTS, WHO CAN HELP HER.
Girl: STOP FOLLOWING ME.
WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS. FOR ME, IT HAS TO BE NOW.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, DREAMBOAT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT? I'M A DOCTOR.
NO, LARS, SHE WOULDN'T.
WOULD YOU TWO OLD GUYS JUST BEAT IT?
Both: OLD GUYS?
YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY ON THE OUTSIDE OF THIS ZOO
LOOKIN' IN A GLASS WINDOW, ARE YOU, MY BOY?
YOU BETTER DROP THAT DOCTOR CRAP, LARS.
THEY'LL PUT YOU IN A REAL JAIL.
I'M A REAL DOCTOR, YOUNG MAN.
I TOLD YOU.
A PSYCHOANALYST.
SUCH HORSESHIT.
A DAZED, DIRECTIONLESS DRUG ADDICT,
WHO'S NEVER DONE A LICK OF WORK,
KNOWS WHAT'S REAL?
BUT, YOU KNOW, MANY PSYCHIATRISTS CHOOSE THEIR CAREERS
TO SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS.
JACK BERNSTEIN OFTEN ASKS MY ADVICE ABOUT CASES.
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF
BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE ME, YOU JUNKIE.
AT LEAST I'M A HAS-BEEN,
NOT A NEVER-WERE LIKE YOU... DANDY MAN.
ISN'T THAT WHAT THEY CALL YOU?
HELEN, THAT FRUITCAKE LARS CLAIMS HE'S A REAL SHRINK.
FORMER CHIEF PSYCHIATRIST AT BELLEVUE.
REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED?
ONE DAY, HE WAS PICKED UP STANDING IN BLOOMINGDALE'S WINDOW.
( horns honking, people exclaiming )
( siren approaching )
OH!
OH, NO.
- HI. - HEY.
THESE ARE PICTURES OF MY EX-WIFE MILDRED.
WHY SO MANY?
I SET FIRE TO ONE EACH NIGHT, MAY SHE REST IN PEACE.
WHEN DID SHE DIE?
I'M STILL WAITING.
( laughter )
WELL, ON THAT NOTE,
SUPPOSE WE DISCUSS DEPRESSION TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?
I GOT LAID OFF MY FIRST JOB AT A COLLEGE.
I COULDN'T FIND WORK FOR MONTHS.
I FELT LIKE A FAILURE.
MY CONSULTING WITH LIVE FREE OR DIE
CERTAINLY HELPED ME OVERCOME THE FEAR I HAD
FOR MY UPCOMING SURGERY.
WHO'S GONNA LEAD THE DISCUSSIONS DURING...
WHILE YOU'RE RECUPERATING, JACK?
DAN HAS VOLUNTEERED, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU FELLAS.
( all agreeing )
- WHAT? - I THINK THAT'S GREAT, DAN.
WE COULD USE SOME YOUNG BLOOD IN THESE MEETINGS.
( stammering )
THANKS FOR THE TOTALLY UNDESERVED VOTE OF CONFIDENCE, MEN.
( laughter )
SINCE MY OPERATION'S COMING UP PRETTY SOON,
WHY DON'T YOU START TONIGHT, HUH?
UH...
DEPRESSION...
UH, CAN HIT ANYONE AS WE GROW OLDER.
( chuckling )
OKAY, OKAY. I'M NOT AS OLD AS YOU ARE.
NOT BY HALF.
YEAH, WE'RE NOT YOUNG AND HEALTHY ANYMORE.
WELL, YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
EVEN AT MY AGE...
LIFE'S NOT EASY.
I HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO GET OUT OF BED.
YA KNOW? NOT GET DRAGGED DOWN
BY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.
FIGURE OUT...
WHY I SHOULD LIVE EACH DAY.
I HAD DEPRESSION!
WELL, THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT, SAM.
IS THAT OPERATION ON YOUR LEG GETTIN' YOU DOWN?
I CAN'T WALK ANYWHERE WITHOUT THIS ANYMORE.
I'M BORED. BORED TO DEATH.
DO YOU SEE YOUR GRANDCHILDREN?
I WISH I HAD GRANDCHILDREN.
I'M JUST A LONELY BACHELOR NOW.
WHY LONELY? I BET THERE'S PLENTY OF WOMEN
WHO'D LIKE TO SHARE YOUR COMPANY.
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, I DO SEE WOMEN LOOKIN' AT ME.
YEAH. THEY WONDER WHAT'S KEEPING YOU FROM FALLING DOWN.
YOU PUTZ.
I SAW YOU READING.
BEEN TRYING TO RAISE FUNDS FOR A NEW LIBRARY FOR OVER TWO YEARS NOW.
THAT'S TOO BAD. A LIBRARY WOULD BE A GOOD PLACE
FOR YOU TO MEET A WOMAN.
IT'S A LITTLE SILLY, DON'T YOU THINK,
FOR ME TO START DATING AGAIN?
YOU KNOW, MORTY,
I KNOW A VERY ATTRACTIVE SINGLE WOMAN,
THE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR AT LIVE FREE OR DIE,
LOOKIN' FOR A MAN LIKE YOU.
- ATHLETIC, HUH? - OH, YEAH.
I COULD INTRODUCE YOU.
INTRODUCE ME, FOR CHRIST SAKE?
FOR 40 YEARS, I'VE BEEN MAKING INTROS FOR OTHERS
AS A CONSULTANT.
IF A BABE WANTS TO GLOM A REAL MAN, I'M THE GUY.
OKAY, SUIT YOURSELF. I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
WHENEVER.
SOME ROTTEN FRIEND YOU ARE.
ROTTEN IS WHAT I DO BEST, OLD CHUM.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
WELL, LET'S START WITH ATTEMPTED MURDER
WHEN YOU TRIED TO PLY ME WITH MARTINIS
IN THE CASTLE CHAMBER UPSTAIRS LAST SATURDAY.
WHY WOULD I MURDER YOU WHEN YOU'RE DOING
SUCH A BONNIE GOOD JOB OF DOING IT YOURSELF?
YOU SET ME UP, BRUCE.
LAURA AND CHARLIE ARRIVING IN THE ROOM AT THE EXACT MOMENT
I'M SET UP AS AN OBJECT OF RIDICULE
FOR YOUR DRUGGIE HANGERS-ON.
LAURA WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
NOT EVEN YOU, MY FRIEND,
CAN TELL ME WHOM I CAN INVITE IN MY OWN HOME.
SO WHAT'S YOUR COMPLAINT?
I'M SURE YOU NAILED LAURA, WHO, BY THE WAY,
LIES UPSTAIRS NEXT TO THE CHIPSTER
WITH SEVERAL LINES IN HER NOSTRILS.
- I WONDER IF HE'S DRILLED HER YET. - I'LL BREAK HIM IN HALF.
DAN, DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.
( Laura giggling )
DANDY MAN.
HOW'S TRICKS?
DANDY MAN, YOU'RE A HELL OF A LOT STRONGER THAN ONE MIGHT THINK.
WELL, CLARK KENT, I GUESS THAT MAKES ME LOIS LANE, HUH?
GET DRESSED.
DO I GET TO SEE THE ICE CASTLES LIKE IN SUPERMAN 3?
SUPERMAN 2.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE AND PROVE YOU'RE A MAN OF STEEL.
WHEN DID YOU GIVE UP READING THE NEW YORKER FOR HUSTLER?
PUT YOUR DRESS ON.
AH, SCREW YOU, DAN.
YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME IF YOU'RE SO DAMN HOT FOR ME?
LET'S ASK YOUR FATHER THESE QUESTIONS RIGHT NOW, WHY DON'T WE?
SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER SNIFFING BLOW.
DON'T DO THAT.
MY FATHER'S TOO ILL. IT WOULD KILL HIM. I'M GOING.
WE'RE GOING.
THIS IS OUR RELATIONSHIP?
MARKET RESEARCH FOR THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL?
"THE ARMED AND DANGEROUS POVERTY-STRICKEN BOY
"COULDN'T WAIT TO RELIEVE HIS LUST.
"HE FORCED HER INTO A NEARBY MOTEL
"WHERE HE RAVISHES THE STUNNING BRALESS
AND NEARLY UNCONSCIOUS AUTHOR."
WELL, I AM... OOH!
UNEMPLOYED, BUT I WOULDN'T EXACTLY CALL MYSELF DESTITUTE, LAURA.
AND WHO WANTS TO RAVISH WHO?
RAVISH WHOM?
AND GO GET YOUR OWN JOB IF YOU CAN.
THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU, DON'T YOU, LAURA?
YOU ARE CRAZY. PERIOD.
BUT NOT ONLY IN A BAD WAY.
LET'S TALK.
IS TALK THE FOUR-LETTER WORD YOU HAD IN MIND?
DR. BERNSTEIN WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL.
HE'S IN SEVERE PAIN.
LET ME HAVE MY CAR KEYS, HELEN.
DR. HEINE HAS 'EM, HONEY.
( knocking on door )
PLEASE ENTER.
A VERY GOOD AFTERNOON TO YOU, DR. HEINE.
I'M DANIEL TOPLER--
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
OKAY. BEFORE YOU LEAVE FOR THE WEEKEND,
I THOUGHT I WOULD COME IN AND GET ACQUAINTED.
LET YOU KNOW ABOUT THE ROUTINE
THAT DR. BERNSTEIN AND I HAVE.
I WAS SAD TO HEAR OF HIS ILLNESS.
PROBABLY WON'T MAKE IT, I IMAGINE.
- YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE-- - YES.
WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO PAY HIM A VISIT.
WHILE I'M HERE, I WOULD LIKE TO GET THE KEYS TO MY CAR
OR MY MONEY IN THE SAFE FOR A CAB.
OUT OF THE QUESTION.
THANK YOU FOR COMING, DANIEL.
WE WILL BE SEEING A GREAT DEAL OF EACH OTHER,
BUT YOU MUST LEAVE NOW.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN.
I DON'T THINK THIS MEN'S GROUP YOU ATTEND
CAN HELP YOU.
SO YOU WON'T BE NEEDING THE KEYS FOR THAT, EITHER.
HAVE A PLEASANT WEEKEND.
THAT SCARFY THING.
MY, OH, MY.
LOOK WHAT BIRD THE CAT DRAGGED IN
FROM THE LOONEY BIN NEXT DOOR.
STILL FEELING HUFFY, DANDY MAN, OR ARE YOU JUST COMING TO THE BASH EARLY?
- LOOK, BRUCIE-- - SO IT'S BRUCIE AGAIN, IS IT?
YOU GONNA THROW ME OUT THE WINDOW, TOO?
ANY MORE OF THOSE SHENANIGANS, OLD MAN,
AND I'LL BE FORCED TO CROSS YOU OFF MY INVITATION LIST.
I'M SORRY FOR THE OTHER NIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENS TO ME IS MY FAULT, NOT YOURS.
EXACTAMENT, MON AMI.
MY APOLOGIES TO THE CHIPSTER.
POOR GUY COULDN'T FORCE A LIFE-SIZE PLASTIC DOLL
- TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. - HE'S TRIED, I ASSURE YOU.
BUT ENOUGH OF THAT.
WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOREVER.
SO... YOU'RE HERE TO CAROUSE NICELY THIS TIME?
BRUCIE, DO YOU EVER PARTAKE OF THE PIXIE DUST THAT YOU SERVE AT THE PARTIES?
ME? NO, NEVER TOUCH THE STUFF.
NEVER?
DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE VERY FIRST TIME THE FOUR OF US
EVER BOUGHT SNOW TOGETHER ON CHRISTMAS VACATION?
- WE ALL GOT RIPPED. - HOW COULD I NOT REMEMBER?
YOU GOT SO STONED THAT WE HAD TO CARRY YOU TO THE PARKING GARAGE.
MM-HMM.
YOU BEGGED US NOT TO TELL ANYONE,
OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT NOT GET THE AWARD FOR HEAD STUDENT AGAIN.
YOU WERE THE SCHOOL STAR.
IT WAS FUNNY TO SEE YOU SO SPACED OUT.
BUT YOU TOOK SOME, TOO.
WE ALL DID.
NO, DANDY MAN. ONLY YOU.
RONNIE, CHIPSTER AND I ALL FAKED IT.
WE WERE TOO SCARED TO TRY THE STUFF.
NONE OF THE FOUR OF US HAVE EVER DUSTED OUR NOSES WITH COKE BUT YOU, PAL.
I DO NEED A FAVOR.
BUT FIRST...
I WILL GIVE HIM THE FAVOR.
THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY, PIROT.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?
THE DRUGS I'VE TAKEN HAVE ALWAYS COME FROM YOU.
YOU COULD'VE BEEN A BETTER FRIEND... BRUCIE.
YOU WERE ALWAYS THE BRILLIANT ONE IN SCHOOL, DAN.
EVERYTHING ALWAYS CAME SO EASILY TO YOU.
AND I NEVER THOUGHT IT, I SWEAR,
BUT MAYBE IT WAS TO LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD.
IS THAT SLUG TO MY CHIN THE ONLY FAVOR YOU WANTED?
NO.
I NEED YOUR CAR.
AND SOME MONEY.
PIROT, INVITE THOSE TWINS AGAIN FROM AMSTERDAM.
THEY WERE A BIG HIT.
( phone ringing )
Charlotte: WE HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS, DANNY.
COME TO 150 CENTRAL PARK SOUTH.
CHARLOTTE'S WAITING FOR YOU. COME NOW.
YES. COME NOW.
SO DAN THINKS HE'S INVINCIBLE, DOES HE?
( knocking on door )
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME WE WERE GOING BOWLING, CHARLIE.
I WOULD'VE BROUGHT MY OWN BALL.
NO MAN IS INVINCIBLE.
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. LET'S DO LUNCH.
JUST VISITING.
BARRY'S NEXT.
( phone ringing )
Laura: DAN, WHERE ARE YOU? I'M WORRIED.
HELEN SAID YOU LEFT L.F.O.D. HOURS AGO.
I'M JUST STUCK IN HEAVY TRAFFIC, LAURA,
BUT I'LL BE AT THE HOSPITAL SOON.
BARRY, OPEN UP THE DOOR NOW.
ZOE?
A PLEASANT SURPRISE, EVEN AT THIS LATE HOUR.
( door buzzer buzzes )
YOU ARE GETTING LAID.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, ZOE?
YOU SEEM DISTRESSED.
NO. I SAID GET IN THE BEDROOM NOW.
( chuckles ) YOU ARE GOING TO BED ALONE.
DO NOT COME OUT UNTIL THE MORNING.
I NEED SOME REST.
WOMEN.
Charlotte: IT WAS SO SHITTY OF ME.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME, LAURA.
THAT WAS CHARLIE, HUH?
DID I EVER TELL YOU THE ONE ABOUT THE TRAVELING SALESMAN
WITH THE BROKEN-DOWN CAR WHO KNOCKS ON THE FARMHOUSE DOOR?
JUST LEAVE.
THE DOOR OPENS, AND THE SALESMAN SAYS,
I SELL INSURANCE, AND I NEED TO
- SLEEP HERE TONIGHT. - GET OUT.
SECURITY? YES, THERE IS A DANGEROUS INTRUDER
- IN MY FATHER'S ROOM. - SO THE FARMER SAYS,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SLEEP WITH MY DAUGHTER, OR WITH MY MAGIC PIG?
PLEASE ARREST THIS LUNATIC. HE FORCED HIS WAY IN MY FATHER'S ROOM.
WELL, THAT DEPENDS, SAYS THE SALESMAN.
WHICH ONE CAN SIGN THE PREMIUM CHECKS?
LAURA, I'D RATHER SLEEP WITH THE DOCTOR'S DAUGHTER
THAN WITH HER SORCERESS FRIEND. JUST SIGN THE CHECK!
YOU KNOW, YOU ONLY GOT YOURSELF TO BLAME,
BECAUSE I'M NOT LEAVING HERE... EVER.
SUIT YOURSELF, ZOE DEAR.
YOU'LL BE COMMITTING YOURSELF TO A BORING PROFESSOR'S LIFE
OF LECTURES ON DEAD GREEK POETS,
TRIPS TO MOUNTAIN OBSERVATORIES,
AND SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES.
AHA! THAT'S IT!
YOU'RE A GONER NOW FOR SURE.
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO BOLT, PROFESSOR.
I'M GONNA CALL THOMAS AND HAVE HIM BRING MY THINGS OVER.
ASK HIM TO PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH THAT TELESCOPE.
WHAT ELSE CAN THAT WITCH CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON WANT FROM ME?
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET TO KEEP YOUR JOCKEY SHORTS, AFTER ALL.
I HIRED YOU AS A LEGAL SHARK.
YOU TURNED OUT TO BE A MINNOW!
( agonized screaming )
AL! AL, YOU OKAY?
MY PITY PITCH HAS NEVER FAILED ME.
WATCH AND LEARN.
ALBERT, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HARRIET, DARLING, IS THAT YOU?
I CAN'T SEE.
OH, IT IS YOU.
HARRIET. HARRIET, ALWAYS REMEMBER
THAT I LOVED YOU,
AND IN HEAVEN, I WILL FORGIVE YOU.
- FORGIVE ME? - YES.
YES, FORGIVE YOU, BUT NOT YOUR SHYSTER LAWYER.
CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I DON'T THINK THAT WILL BE NECESSARY, ALBERT.
I THINK A LITTLE MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION
- WILL DO THE TRICK. - YES, MOUTH-TO-MOUTH. MOUTH-TO-MOUTH.
GO AHEAD AND SAVE YOUR FRIEND.
HUH?
- WHO ME? - YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID.
ALL RIGHT, TAKE MY JOCKEYS.
HA HA. KEEP THEM ON.
I HAVE CHANGED MY DIVORCE PRACTICE TO MEDIATION.
I WANNA TRY TO BRING THE TWO OF YOU CLOSER AGAIN,
AS A COUPLE.
I NEVER WANTED A DIVORCE,
OR THE MONEY.
BUT YOU NEEDED A LESSON FOR HURTING ME.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
I NEVER LOVED ANYONE BUT YOU, HONEYBUNCH.
I PROMISE, I'LL NEVER LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN.
FOR ME NOW, A WOMAN IS JUST LIKE A MAN...
A MAN WHO'S HAD A TRAGIC BOATING ACCIDENT.
( phone ringing )
- LAURA? - SHE'S ON HER WAY TO L.F.O.D.
I'M SO SORRY, DAN.
I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS CAN GET BACK TOGETHER.
UH, THANKS, CHARLIE.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK TO ME.
THEN WHY ARE YOU STANDING AROUND WAITING FOR ME?
I WAS BEHIND THE TREE WATCHING YOU.
GO FOR IT!
CHARLOTTE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THAT.
OW. WELL, THANK HER FOR ME, WOULD YA?
ALSO, KISS HER LIKE THIS.
TELL HER WE'RE ALL EVEN NOW.
WORLD WAR III IS OVER.
THIS DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING BETWEEN US, DANNY.
YOU'RE STILL A SELF-CENTERED,
UNFOCUSED, UNEMPLOYED DRUGGIE.
AND THOSE ARE MY GOOD POINTS.
COUPLES HAVE PROBLEMS, BUT THEY WORK THEM OUT.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
EVERYTHING IS JUST FUN AND GAMES WITH YOU.
AND I STILL CAN'T DISOBEY MY FATHER'S WISHES
ABOUT OUR SEEING EACH OTHER.
WE'RE THROUGH.
AFTER TONIGHT.
YES!
I NEED A LIFT TO THE MEN'S GROUP TONIGHT.
MAYBE AN INTRO TO THAT ATHLETIC DAME FROM TOPLER
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SUCH A BAD IDEA.
- Lars: MAY I HELP YOU? - HUH?
YEAH, SURE.
YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR A DANIEL, UH...
UH...
OH, YES.
YOU MUST MEAN DANIEL TOPLER.
YEAH, THAT'S HIM.
SAD CASE.
I'M HIS PHYSICIAN HERE.
OH, YEAH?
I HOPE I'M NOT SPEAKING OUT OF TURN.
ARE YOU A RELATIVE?
NO, JUST AN ACQUAINTANCE KINDA.
WE'RE IN THE SAME MEN'S CLUB.
I SEE, I SEE.
THEN PERHAPS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE DETAILS
OF HIS HOMICIDAL TENDENCIES.
ARE YOU SAYING HE WANTS TO KILL PEOPLE?
SIR, PLEASE, DON'T BE CONCERNED.
TO OUR KNOWLEDGE, HE'S NEVER BEEN SUCCESSFUL.
ALTHOUGH, WE CAN'T BE SURE.
I HAVE TO WATCH MY WORDS.
A LITIGATION PRECAUTION.
OF COURSE, OF COURSE. MAYBE I DON'T NEED TO SEE HIM TODAY.
I CAN SEE I'VE ALARMED YOU,
MISTER...
MAVIS. MORTY MAVIS. MORTY MAVIS.
AH, MORTY. MAY I CALL YOU THAT?
YES, PLEASE.
LISTEN, MORTY, WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN?
WELL, I DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH TIME.
I'D LIKE TO SPEAK CONFIDENTIALLY WITH YOU,
IF I MAY, MORTY.
WHY ARE YOU REALLY HERE?
LOOK AT YOUR ELEGANT CLOTHES,
AND YOUR OILY HAIR CAREFULLY COMBED.
I CAN SMELL A FRESHLY APPLIED AFTERSHAVE LOTION.
YOU'RE HERE TO CHASE SOME WOMAN, AREN'T YOU?
YOU REPROBATE.
IT CAN'T BE ONE OF THE PUTRESCENT SCAGS
INCARCERATED IN THIS HELL HOLE,
SO MUST BE SOME STAFF MEMBER?
NOW LET ME THINK
WHO THE LUCKY LADY MIGHT BE.
THAT'S ALL TRUE, YA KNOW,
BUT I ALSO, I'M LOOKING FOR DANIEL TOPLER.
WHY AM I HERE?
CAN IT BE THAT WE'RE ALL HERE
JUST TO WATCH TV, PLAY SHUFFLEBOARD,
AND EAT THE CRAP THEY SERVE IN THIS BOOBY HATCH?
I'M NOT SURE I FOLLOW YOU, DOCTOR.
YOU DO KNOW LIVE FREE OR DIE
IS A REHABILITATION CLINIC?
I HAVE HEARD SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT.
THE STAFF HAS TO SUGARCOAT IT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - THIS IS A NUT HOUSE.
OH.
AND THAT DANIEL TOPLER,
OH, LORD! HE'S THE BIGGEST NUT HERE.
IS THAT THE KIND OF FRIENDS YOU HAVE,
MORTON MAVIS?
YOU KNOW, I REALLY HAVE TO BE GOING.
JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE,
MR. LOONEY TUNES FRIEND OF DANIEL TOPLER'S.
SEE? SEE WHAT I MEAN, JEHOVAH?
THE PERNICIOUS TOPLER CONSPIRATOR,
LIKE THIS PATHETIC SINNER,
ARE OFF THEIR ROCKERS!
AND HERE AM I, DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN...
BY COINCIDENCE, I HAPPEN TO KNOW
A DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT YOUR YAP?!
I'M THE SENIOR NUTCRACKER HERE,
AND I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH INSANE PATIENTS,
AND THEIR WACKO VISITORS, TOO.
( shrieking )
OY!
SO ALBERT WENT BACK TO HIS WIFE.
THAT LITTLE FAT RAT.
- MAY I HELP YOU, SIR? - WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY?
OH, YOU MEAN THE ONE SUCKING ON THE GIANT BINKY?
YEAH, THAT MAMZER.
IT'S LARS.
HE'S A GUEST HERE. HE'S HARMLESS.
HARMLESS.
UH, I'M LOOKING FOR DANIEL TOPLER.
HE TOLD ME I COULD GET TENNIS LESSONS
FROM THE ATHLETIC CHEERLEADER HERE.
KIM NOVAK LOOKALIKE.
SOMEONE WHO MIGHT POSSIBLY LOOK LIKE YOU,
- MISSUS, UH... - MISS BUSHKIN.
I'M SURE DANNY WAS TALKING ABOUT ME.
I AM THE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR HERE AT LIVE FREE OR DIE.
I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT I RESEMBLE THE STAR OF VERTIGO,
BUT IT WAS SO MANY YEARS AGO.
HOW LONG AGO COULD THAT HAVE BEEN?
I MEAN, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST GOT OUT OF GRADE SCHOOL.
WOULD YOUR WIFE LIKE LESSONS, TOO?
WELL, SADLY, MY WIFE AND I
HAVE BEEN DIVORCED MANY YEARS,
AND, UH, I LIVE ALONE IN A MANSION
WITH A GIANT, SUB-ZERO FRIDGE WITH ICEMAKER, I MIGHT ADD.
OLYMPIC-SIZED SWIMMING POOL.
GRASS TENNIS COURTS.
GRASS, HUH?
THAT MUST BE VERY EXPENSIVE, YOU POOR MAN.
SO WHEN WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR LESSONS?
I'M ONLY FREE NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS.
HOW ABOUT THIS WEEKEND?
I'LL GO AHEAD AND CALL DAN.
- I DON'T KNOW... - DAN TOPLER.
OOH, NO. NO, DON'T BOTHER.
I DON'T NEED THE KID NOW.
I FOUND WHAT I WANTED.
MEN, I HAVE TO CONFESS SOMETHING.
I HOPE YOU'LL LET ME CONTINUE TO COME.
I'M NOT A MEDICAL SCHOOL STUDENT.
I'M A PATIENT OF JACK'S, AND TRYING TO RECUPERATE AT A REHAB CLINIC.
SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
YOU THINK JACK WOULDN'T TELL HIS FRIENDS
THAT HE WAS BRINGING SOME NUT CASE TO OUR MEETINGS?
( laughter )
YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB AS OUR NEW LEADER.
FORGET ABOUT IT.
GREAT. UH, THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT, GUYS.
DR. BERNSTEIN'S DAUGHTER IS PICKING ME UP
AND TAKING ME TO THE HOSPITAL AS A FAVOR TO HER DAD.
BULLSHIT.
I KNOW JACK'S DAUGHTER LAURA.
LAURA BERNSTEIN. OF COURSE.
I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED HER FROM THE FUNERAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT WAS GOIN' ON IN THE CAR THE OTHER NIGHT?
YOU AND LAURA, YOU COULD'VE CHARGED TICKETS.
WATCHED ALL THOSE FIREWORKS. SO WHAT ELSE IS GOIN' ON IN YOUR LIFE?
COME ON, COME CLEAN WITH US.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
MAYBE A LOT MORE.
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER, IS THAT IT?
WELL, WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS FIGHT,
AND THIS FANTASTIC WOMAN-- - YOU MEAN LAURA?
NO, ANOTHER WOMAN NAMED CHARLOTTE.
PRACTICALLY A HYPNOTIST.
SHE'S A DIVORCE ATTORNEY AND GOOD BUDDY OF LAURA'S,
SCREWED MY BRAINS OUT
FRIDAY NIGHT, KICKS ME OUT OF HER CENTRAL PARK PENTHOUSE,
AND THEN, SHE TELLS LAURA!
( men exclaiming )
SO I'M IN DEEP DOO-DOO.
YOU'RE LAYIN' YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S BEST FRIEND?
THEY'RE YOUNG. GO FIGURE IT OUT.
WAS THIS LAST FRIDAY NIGHT, DAN?
UH, YES. WHY, BARRY?
NO REASON.
I'M JUST GETTING OLD,
AND SLOW TO REALIZE IT.
I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT TO THE TRAIN STATION, BARRY.
I THINK I'LL WALK. THANK YOU, HARRY.
( tea kettle whistling )
HELLO, LOVE.
HOW'S THE ANCIENT ORDER OF GRUMPY MEN?
I AM NOT A MODERN MAN, ZOE.
I TOLD YOU THAT IN THE PARK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I KNOW YOU'RE AN OLD FUDDY-DUDDY.
THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU.
ONE OF THE MEN PRODDED A PATIENT OF JACK BERNSTEIN'S
ABOUT HIS PRIVATE LIFE.
DANIEL TOPLER. I THINK YOU KNOW HIM.
BARRY...
HE DIDN'T MENTION HER LAST NAME,
BUT SHE WAS A DELIRIOUSLY MAGICAL WOMAN NAMED CHARLOTTE.
A DIVORCE ATTORNEY WHO LIVED OVERLOOKING CENTRAL PARK,
- DRAGGED HIM INTO HER BEDROOM-- - BARRY, PLEASE.
- IF I TOLD YOU WHAT-- - PLEASE DON'T THINK ABOUT ANYBODY BUT US.
WE'RE ALL THAT COUNTS. I'M SELLING MY FATHER'S BUSINESS.
I'M CHANGING MY LAW PRACTICE,
JUST TO BECOME A WOMAN YOU CAN BE PROUD OF.
I'M NOT THE SAME PERSON ANYMORE.
- I KNOW-- - PLEASE DON'T EXPLAIN.
YOU'RE A YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, ZOE.
IT'S NOT FOR ME TO JUDGE.
I JUST CAN'T TAKE PART IN THE LIFE YOU'RE ENMESHED IN.
YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'VE MEANT TO ME.
OH, COME ON, BARRY. HEAR ME OUT, WON'T YOU?
NO. PLEASE.
EXTEND TO THOMAS MY MEA CULPA FOR MOVING YOUR THINGS AGAIN.
THIS WAS MY FAULT, ZOE.
PUT HIM IN A STRAITJACKET.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE HERE.
YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO PRISON THIS TIME.
OKAY, GO!
HEAD FOR THE HOSPITAL, LAURA. GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
THE POLICE WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU!
WELL, AT LEAST KNOWING YOU HAS GOT ME PUBLISHED.
THE NEW YORKER BOUGHT MY STORY ABOUT A RICH COKE HEAD.
THEY THINK IT'S FICTION.
CONGRATULATIONS, LOVER.
I KNEW MY SELF-ABUSE WOULD DO SOMEONE GOOD.
DOES HE WIN THE GIRL IN THE END?
NO. HE'S A COMPLETE LOSER.
IT'S CALLED "A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL."
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE THE TITLE
WHEN I TELL YOUR FATHER THAT I INTEND TO MARRY YOU.
IN A PIG'S EYE.
I WOULDN'T MARRY YOU IN A MILLION YEARS.
YOU'RE A SELFISH, SUICIDAL, NE'ER-DO-WELL ADDICT
- WITHOUT A JOB. - FLATTERER.
YOU MIGHT BE SOME RICH KID,
BUT YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE.
AND TAKE YOUR HAND
OFF MY BREAST. WE COULD CRASH.
OH, IT'S STUCK.
YOU LOVE ME.
DON'T DO THIS.
MY FATHER'S TOO ILL FOR YOU TO UPSET HIM.
WHAT IF I ASK HIS PERMISSION?
YOUR CHANCES ARE ZILCH THAT MY FATHER WOULD SAY YES TO YOU.
AND IF HE DOES?
OKAY, MR. KNOW-IT-ALL.
THEN MY ANSWER IS YES.
FAT CHANCE YOU HAVE.
BEN, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
DON'T LET ANY POLICEMEN INTO THIS ROOM.
I AM A POLICEMAN. YOU KNOW WE HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO
THAN CHASE YOUR BEHIND ALL OVER THIS ISLAND.
JUST GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES, BEN.
THEN I'LL GO PEACEFULLY.
GO AHEAD.
- DADDY. - HMM.
OH, HELLO, SWEETHEART.
- DANNY, HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD.
HOW ARE THE TEMPLE MEETINGS GOING?
GREAT. DR. BERNSTEIN, I'VE COME TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR DAUGHTER'S HAND.
DON'T SAY YES. TELL HIM HOW SELFISH AND IRRESPONSIBLE HE IS.
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE DONE A MARVELOUS JOB WITH THE MEN'S GROUP.
YOU EVEN GOT A GIRLFRIEND FOR MORTY.
HE'S A DRUGGIE.
SINCE THE FIRST NIGHT, HE'S BEEN FREE.
HASN'T BEEN A TRACE OF SUBSTANCE IN HIS URINE OR IN HIS BLOOD.
HE'S AN IDLER. NO JOB AND NO PROSPECTS.
NOT EXACTLY SO.
DID YOU ACCEPT THAT SLOT AT THE OLD MEDICAL SCHOOL?
HEY.
THE HEAD OF THE ADMISSIONS BOARD IS AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE.
- HE TOLD ME ABOUT IT. - TIME'S UP. GOTTA GO. NOW.
THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY, OFFICER. THANK YOU.
LAURA, WILL YOU GET ME THAT BLUE DOCUMENT BACK THERE, AND A PEN?
THANK YOU. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE NO LONGER UNDER THE COURT'S JURISDICTION.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
CAN I EVER GET A STEP AHEAD OF YOU, DR. BERNSTEIN?
YOU WILL WHEN NECESSARY, MY BOY.
AS RABBI MYERS SAID, MY LIFE IS BLESSED.
I NEVER NEEDED ANYTHING UNTIL I HAD IT.
ACTUALLY, RABBI McCALL SAID THAT.
DURING COFFEE BREAKS AT THE MEETINGS,
I'VE BEEN READING THE MEDITATIONS IN THE PRAYER BOOK.
WELL, LAURA, DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER OBJECTIONS
ABOUT MARRYING THIS FINE YOUNG MAN?
NO, I DON'T.
I NEVER NEEDED DAN UNTIL NOW THAT I HAVE HIM.
THE CONSTRUCTION ON THE PARTHENON
YOU SEE BEHIND ME BEGAN IN 347 B.C.
( woman clearing throat ) 447.
( students laughing )
UH, YES. QUITE RIGHT.
447 B.C.
HISTORIANS CONSIDER THE EDIFICE
AT THE PEAK OF CLASSICAL IONIC ARCHITECTURE.
- Woman: DORIC. - ( students laugh )
YES, YES, OF COURSE. DORIC ARCHITECTURE.
PERHAPS I SHOULD LOOK AT MY NOTES.
THE WEST END RELIEF SHOWS THE COMBAT BETWEEN
THE AMAZONS AND THE ATHENIANS,
AND THAT'S WHY IT'S MY FAVORITE.
BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF YOUR PROFESSOR BARRY BLACKMON.
ZOE, I-- - PLEASE DON'T INTERRUPT. I'M NOT FINISHED.
THE BASE OF THE PARTHENON IS 69.5 METERS
BY 30.9 METERS.
I'D FORGOTTEN. IT'S SO GOOD OF YOU TO ARRANGE FOR
THE TEMPLE LIBRARY DONATION. I HEARD.
THE INTERNAL COLONNADES WERE CONSTRUCTED IN TWO TIERS
TO SUPPORT THE ROOF.
- I WAS A FOOL TO LEAVE YOU. - YES, YOU WERE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT MY FATHER MARRIED MY MOTHER NEXT TO THOSE COLONNADES?
I WAS THERE THEN.
GANYMEDE LOOKED SO PROUD AND HANDSOME,
AND HE MARRIED THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I HAD EVER SEEN,
UNTIL I MET THEIR DAUGHTER.
I WAS THE BEST MAN.
YOU STILL ARE THE BEST MAN.
WHO WILL BE YOURS AT OUR WEDDING?
Lars: DO YOU, DANIEL TOPLER,
BEFORE THIS ASSEMBLAGE,
- SWEAR TO TAKE THIS-- - CAN YOU MAKE THIS QUICK, YOUR HONOR?
THEIR PLANE TO BERMUDA LEAVES IN AN HOUR.
DO YOU, DANIEL TOPLER,
SWEAR TO TAKE THIS...
BEAUTIFUL, SEXY WOMAN
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?
Daniel: I DO.
DO YOU, LAURA BERNSTEIN,
BEFORE THIS AUGUST ASSEMBLAGE,
SWEAR TO OBEY THIS UNEMPLOYED MAN?
WHOA.
AND TO HAVE AND TO HOLD IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?
I DO.
THEN BY THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF NEW YORK,
AND THE POWERS OF GREAT JEHOVAH...
I DECLARE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.
* ONE, TWO, THREE, GOOD LOVIN' *
- * GOOD LOVIN' - LARS!
* GOOD LOVIN'
Lars: NO! NO, NO, NO!
* I WAS FEELIN' SO BAD *
* I ASKED MY FAMILY DOCTOR JUST WHAT I HAD *
- * I SAID, DOCTOR - * DOCTOR
- * MR. M.D. - * DOCTOR
* CAN YOU TELL ME, YEAH, WHAT'S AILIN' ME? *
* DOCTOR
* HE SAID, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *
* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *
* YES, INDEED, ALL I REALLY NEED *
* GOOD LOVIN'
- * COME ON, GIVE ME GOOD LOVIN' * - * GOOD LOVIN'
- * ALL I WANT IS LOVIN' - * GOOD LOVIN'
* GIVE ME YOUR LOVIN', BABY *
* HONEY, PLEASE, SQUEEZE ME TIGHT *
* SQUEEZE ME TIGHT
* DON'T YOU WANT YOUR BABY TO BE ALL RIGHT? *
* BE ALL RIGHT
- * I SAID, BABY - * BABY
- * IT'S FOR SURE - * IT'S FOR SURE
* I GOT THE FEVER, YEAH, YOU GOT THE CURE *
* GOT THE CURE
* EVERYBODY, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *
* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *
* YES, INDEED, ALL I REALLY NEED *
* GOOD LOVIN'
- * COME ON, GIVE ME GOOD LOVIN' * - * GOOD LOVIN'
- * ALL I WANT IS LOVIN' - * GOOD LOVIN'
- * GIVE ME YOUR LOVIN', BABY - * GOOD LOVIN'
* GOOD LOVIN'
- * COME ON, GIVE ME GOOD LOVIN' * - * GOOD LOVIN'
- * ALL I WANT IS LOVIN' - * GOOD LOVIN'
- * GIVE ME YOUR LOVIN', BABY * - * GOOD LOVIN'
* HEY!